I have some explaining to do.
As you may know I started this blog quite some time ago when I first started paying off my credit cards. It was meant to be a creative outlet to help me find myself, without credit card debt but it's turned into so much more than that. Most days I still can't believe what I've accomplished through this blog. (hello, Lucky Magazine? Goodbye credit card debt?). But this weekend I had a reckoning, if you will, of how much farther I still have to go. I'm halfway home on my car note but my student loan debt is the big pink elephant in the room (and boy is it big). Six figure BIG. This weekend was the first time in almost 3 years that I actually totalled up the amount due between my federal and private loans. It's something I should have done a long time ago but frankly, it wasn't something I was ready to deal with yet.
SSF just about lost it, in his very special way, when I told him what the number was. I don't blame him though. It's not exactly an easy pill to swallow. You have to understand though it wasn't something I was hiding from just him, it was something I was hiding from all together. Telling SSF and now all of you is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I'm so embarrassed about the situation I created for myself. Despite my intelligence I was naive going into college. I thought I would walk out easily making $50-60,000 (seriously) and here I am making a little above $40,000. It's been a blow so my ego and self worth. Even worse, I've set SSF up to a future of paying back my student loans for a long time. So no I don't blame him for being upset with me. I consider myself lucky that he still wants to marry me.
This weekend changed me though. It changed my whole perspective on life. It's motivated me to take on the challenge of my paying off my student loans in record time. It's got me thinking outside the box of buying new things. I'm ready to learn how to sew. I'm ready to find new uses for old things. More than anything, I'm ready to be out of debt. Forever.
My dirty little secret of my student loan debt is now out. I can't hide from it anymore, and you know it feels kind of good, liberating.
Now, I will ask you the same question I asked SSF yesterday... Do you still love me?