Monday, November 21
There is something I need to talk about, quasi out loud, while I have your ear. I hope you don't mind.
To say I have confidence problems is an understatement.
I have major confidence problems.
They manifest in various ways. At school I don't feel "smart" enough, at work I don't feel "experienced" enough, in front of people I don't know very well I don't feel "cool" enough, in front of my mirror I don't feel "pretty" enough, and on my blog I don't feel clever enough. I am one of those girls that doesn't talk about my blog, even though I love it, because I'm afraid that people will judge me by it.
I have my good days and bad days.The last week or so has been bad. SSF and I even had a bit of a blowout over it. That's bad. I should have seen the signs though. Over the years I've noticed that when insecurities take over I start an unending quest for something to make me feel better (read: clothes, shoes, etc). I have been on a mission the last few weeks to find that thing that will patch my self esteem long enough. I've spent countless hours in the past weeks shopping online for something, anything. Luckily, it appears I have developed some willpower and self-control over the last few years that has kept me from going over the edge.
That fight with SSF, I think that was the tipping point.
Something has got to change. The one place I do feel in control is at the gym. It's there that I feel strong, powerful, capable of anything, and, for a lack of better words, sexy. I want to feel like that, all the time. I don't want to fidget with my clothes, I don't want to feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I don't want to waste my life on "what ifs".
Last night before I fell asleep I was trying to figure out where to start. I've decided it's with my closet. There is a whole mess of a lot going on in there. Clothes that fit, some that don't. Clothes that are so totally "me", and others that appear to be in the wrong closet. Sounds kind of superficial but I think a serious cleaning of my closet and weeding out of those clothes that aren't exactly me, will help me figure out exactly who I am.
Let the games begin.